Este es mi primer posteo y como soy gran fanática del género Stand Up, decidí compartir algunas de las citas por las que se conoce a este maestro de la comedia en su estado más crudo. Las citas están en inglés porque creo que mucho del contenido se pierde en la traducción ya que es muy usual que haga juegos de palabras. Estas citas las saqué de sus especiales en HBO y sus libros. Más que nada quería rendirle homenaje a una de las personas más talentosas que he escuchado. Para los que no lo conozcan, les aviso que suele hablar de temas un poco polémicos y usa lenguaje fuerte. No tengo intenciones de ofender a nadie. Espero que les guste!
-"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up to the roof and gets stuck".
-"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drown and cross it deliverately".
-"I'm completely in favour of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death".
-"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong".
-"There is no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past".
-"Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, what freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
-"A house is just a place to keep together your stuff while you're out getting more stuff".
-"Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and our shit is stuff?"
-"The reason I talk to myself is because I am the only one whose answers I accept".
-"The very existence of flame throwers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, -You know, I want to set those people on fire, but I'm not close enough to get the job done-".
-"Religion has convinced people that there is an invisible man...living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of times. But he loves you! He loves you and he needs money."
-"I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."
-"Have you noticed that most women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? There's such balance in nature."
-"Catholic... which I was until I reached the age of reason".
-"I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade".
-"In America anyone can become a President. That's the problem."
-"One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."
-"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
-"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it".
-"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"
-"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower that you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
-"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
-"When someone is impatient and says, -I haven't got all day- I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"
-"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity".
-"When you are born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row sit."
-"When you step on the breakes your life depends on your foot's hands."
-"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
-"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think".
-"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned to me... they're cramming for their final exam".
-"The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election."
-"If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him".
-"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid."
-"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out of it when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work for forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, acohol, you party, you get ready for highschool. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsabilities, you become a little baby, you go back to the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm."
-"I do this real moron thing, ind it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good american because I like to form my own opinions."
-"I like it when a flower or a little tuft or grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic".
-"Life get pretty simple once you cut all the bullshit they teach you in school".
-"Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath".
-"Instead of warning pregnant woman not to drink, I think female alcoholics not to fuck".
-"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
-"A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed"
-"How come when it's us, it's an abortion and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?"
-"Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"
-"If you try to fail, and succeed, whichh have you done?"
-"Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody say they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American families, American parents, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campain slogan for somebody:"The public sucks. FUCK HOPE!""
-"If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?"
-"I think I am. Therefore I am... I think".
-"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
-"The Christians gave him the sunday, the Jews gave him Saturday and the Muslims gave him Friday. God has a three day weekend".
-"How can God be perfect? Everything he makes... dies.
-"People always telling me "Have a nice day". Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"
-"Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack".
-"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot".
-"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups".
:-"Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a soultion, you're a part of the problem. My sotto: FUCK HOPE!".
-"Everyone smiles in the same language".
-"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
-There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy and Prudence. Why noy Despair, Guilt, Rage ond Grief? It seems only right. "Tom, I'd like to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy". These days, Tragedi".
-"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in".
-"Reminds me of something my grandfather would say, "I'm goin' upstairs to fuck your grandmother". He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four year old".
-"I hate Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them".
-"If you can't beat them, arrenge to have them beaten".
-"Avoid teams at all costs. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name".
-"The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a safe distance, knowing I don't belong; it doesn't include me, and it never has. No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement comitte; Ihave no interest in any of it. Ilove and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to".
-"Is there another word for synonim?".
-"So I want to thank the Pentagon, The Soviet Union and the militar industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today".
-"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music".
-"There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it".
"I am a modern man, a man for the millenium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been up-linked and downloaded, I've been out putted and out sourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm high-tech, low-life. A cutting edge, state of the art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gygabyte in a nanosecond!
I'm new wave, but I'm old school and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in my cyberspace, so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive and from time to time I'm radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet and pushing the envelope. I'm on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I've got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top, and under-the-radar. A high concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and I run victory laps. I'm a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rain maker with a pro-active, out-reach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!
I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up. You can't dumb me down because I'm tireless and I'm wireless, I'm an alpha male on meta-bloquers.
I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I'm hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head ease pretty maturely post-traumatic and I've got a love-child that sends me hate-mail.
But, I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing... a supporting, bonding, nurturing, primary care-giver. My out-put is down, but my income is up. I took a short possition on the long bond and my revenue stream has it's own cash-flow. I read junk-mail, I eat junk-food, I buy jun bonds and I watch trash sports! I'm gender specific, capital intensive, uses-friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex I like tough love. I use the "F" word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hard-core, not soft-porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane I'm toll free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packed and, I have unlimited broadband capacity.
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock Rough, tough and hard to bluff I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I've got glide in my stride. Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', jiving and grooving, wailing and winning I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I'm hanging in, there ain't do doubt and I'm hangin' tough, OVER AND OUT!".
GEORGE CARLIN 1937-2008
-"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up to the roof and gets stuck".
-"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drown and cross it deliverately".
-"I'm completely in favour of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death".
-"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong".
-"There is no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past".
-"Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, what freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
-"A house is just a place to keep together your stuff while you're out getting more stuff".
-"Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and our shit is stuff?"
-"The reason I talk to myself is because I am the only one whose answers I accept".
-"The very existence of flame throwers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, -You know, I want to set those people on fire, but I'm not close enough to get the job done-".
-"Religion has convinced people that there is an invisible man...living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of times. But he loves you! He loves you and he needs money."
-"I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."
-"Have you noticed that most women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? There's such balance in nature."
-"Catholic... which I was until I reached the age of reason".
-"I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade".
-"In America anyone can become a President. That's the problem."
-"One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."
-"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
-"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it".
-"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"
-"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower that you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
-"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
-"When someone is impatient and says, -I haven't got all day- I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"
-"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity".
-"When you are born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row sit."
-"When you step on the breakes your life depends on your foot's hands."
-"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
-"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think".
-"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned to me... they're cramming for their final exam".
-"The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election."
-"If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him".
-"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid."
-"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out of it when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work for forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, acohol, you party, you get ready for highschool. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsabilities, you become a little baby, you go back to the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm."
-"I do this real moron thing, ind it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good american because I like to form my own opinions."
-"I like it when a flower or a little tuft or grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic".
-"Life get pretty simple once you cut all the bullshit they teach you in school".
-"Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath".
-"Instead of warning pregnant woman not to drink, I think female alcoholics not to fuck".
-"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
-"A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed"
-"How come when it's us, it's an abortion and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?"
-"Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"
-"If you try to fail, and succeed, whichh have you done?"
-"Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody say they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American families, American parents, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campain slogan for somebody:"The public sucks. FUCK HOPE!""
-"If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?"
-"I think I am. Therefore I am... I think".
-"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
-"The Christians gave him the sunday, the Jews gave him Saturday and the Muslims gave him Friday. God has a three day weekend".
-"How can God be perfect? Everything he makes... dies.
-"People always telling me "Have a nice day". Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"
-"Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack".
-"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot".
-"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups".
:-"Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a soultion, you're a part of the problem. My sotto: FUCK HOPE!".
-"Everyone smiles in the same language".
-"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
-There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy and Prudence. Why noy Despair, Guilt, Rage ond Grief? It seems only right. "Tom, I'd like to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy". These days, Tragedi".
-"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in".
-"Reminds me of something my grandfather would say, "I'm goin' upstairs to fuck your grandmother". He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four year old".
-"I hate Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them".
-"If you can't beat them, arrenge to have them beaten".
-"Avoid teams at all costs. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name".
-"The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a safe distance, knowing I don't belong; it doesn't include me, and it never has. No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement comitte; Ihave no interest in any of it. Ilove and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to".
-"Is there another word for synonim?".
-"So I want to thank the Pentagon, The Soviet Union and the militar industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today".
-"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music".
-"There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it".
"I am a modern man, a man for the millenium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been up-linked and downloaded, I've been out putted and out sourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm high-tech, low-life. A cutting edge, state of the art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gygabyte in a nanosecond!
I'm new wave, but I'm old school and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in my cyberspace, so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive and from time to time I'm radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet and pushing the envelope. I'm on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I've got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top, and under-the-radar. A high concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and I run victory laps. I'm a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rain maker with a pro-active, out-reach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!
I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up. You can't dumb me down because I'm tireless and I'm wireless, I'm an alpha male on meta-bloquers.
I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I'm hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head ease pretty maturely post-traumatic and I've got a love-child that sends me hate-mail.
But, I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing... a supporting, bonding, nurturing, primary care-giver. My out-put is down, but my income is up. I took a short possition on the long bond and my revenue stream has it's own cash-flow. I read junk-mail, I eat junk-food, I buy jun bonds and I watch trash sports! I'm gender specific, capital intensive, uses-friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex I like tough love. I use the "F" word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hard-core, not soft-porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane I'm toll free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packed and, I have unlimited broadband capacity.
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock Rough, tough and hard to bluff I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I've got glide in my stride. Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', jiving and grooving, wailing and winning I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I'm hanging in, there ain't do doubt and I'm hangin' tough, OVER AND OUT!".
GEORGE CARLIN 1937-2008